Quotes

These quotes have been copied while watching the show, some quoted by memory and some were taken from other Internet sources.

If you notice any mistakes, either in the quote itself or episode numbers, please feel free to e-mail me and let me know. Also, if you would like to add episode numbers to existing quotes or even submit your own, e-mail me about that too.


"What a shame. Looks like rain." -- Brian, Episode 313


"What does it look like? We're COPulating." -- Brian, Episode 314


"Holy porkchop!" -- Brian to Justin, Episode 314


"You know, Stockwell may be a dick, but at least he's not a pussy." -- Brian to Stockwell's opponent, Episode 314


"It's a shame. We'd make a lovely couple. We're both... tall." -- Brian to Emmett, Episode 314


"Well, it takes a little practice but eventually you get the knack." -- Brian to Emmett, Episode 314


"I think I'm experiencing possession withdrawal. I need to lie down." -- Brian to Justin, Episode 314


"Some asshole told me that if you believe in something you have to be willing to sacrifice everything." -- Brian referring to Justin's words of wisdom, Episode 314


"Sometimes a gay man's gotta do what a gay man's gotta do." -- Brian to Justin, Episode 314


"My wittle key." -- Brian about how he got into Michael's house, Episode 301


"Word of advice: next time you have nuts in your mouth, suck, don't chew." -- Brian


Brian: Wait, let me just give him my number.
Michael: What you do? Write it on your dick?
-- Episode 101


Brian: So, where you headed?
Justin: Nowhere special.
Brian: I can change that.
-- Episode 101


"So are you coming or going? Or coming and then going? Or coming and staying?" -- Brian to Justin, Episode 101


"No, but I'll kick your tight, little, virgin ass so hard you won't be able to sit down for a week." -- Brian to one of Justin's schoolmates, Episode 101


Brian: Come on, Mikey, let's fly, like in those comic books. I am Superman. I'll show you the world.
Michael: Why am I always Lois Lane?
-- Episode 101


"You'll see me in your dreams." -- Brian to Justin, Episode 101


"Look, I don't believe in love. I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient. You get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit. Love is something that straight people tell themselves they're in so they can get laid. And then they end up hurting each other because it was all based on lies to begin with. If that's what you want, then go and find yourself a pretty little girl and get married." -- Brian to Justin


"I tune out self pity. It makes my dick soft." -- Brian, Episode 106


"If this is a rhetorical question, I'm going to go take a piss." -- Brian


"Do anything, say anything, fuck anything. No excuses, no apologies, no regrets." -- Brian


Brian: What are you doing here? I thought it was a school night.
Justin: You're here.
Brian: I'm a grown-up.
Justin: Barely.
Brian: Go home.
Justin: No.


Brian: You know that's just what I need... to be at a dance with a bunch of fucking 18 year olds.
Justin: I thought you liked fucking 18-year-olds.
-- Episode 122


Justin: Did you see their faces?
Brian: Yeah. We gave them a prom they'll never forget.
Justin: Me neither. It was the best night of my life.
Brian: Even if it was ridiculously romantic.
-- Episode 122


"Good. Give him some activity so he'll stop stalking me." -- Brian, referring to Justin


"Whoa, dude! The kids at school will, like, puke, they'll be like, so jealous!" -- Brian


"I'll be glad when Pride's over so we can all go back to being ashamed." -- Brian


"It's French. We're frenching." -- Brian


"So in other words, for Justin to live here with you, he has to deny who he is... what he thinks... and how he feels. Well, that's not love. That's hate." -- Brian to Justin's father


"It's time to take care of your morning hard-on... although, it's well past noon." -- Brian to Justin


"So many men... so little body hair." -- Brian


"He's kinda young... let's go for it." -- Brian


"The only thing that's worth celebrating is achievement." -- Brian


"You should call my mother's minister; he gives great head!" -- Brian


"Oh, we can meditate! That sounds like fun." -- Brian


"I don't need a cake! I gained three ounces last week." -- Brian


"The Gay and Lesbian center. It's a safe haven for fags who can't get laid." -- Brian


"I don't need an excuse to fuck." -- Brian


"Oh, that is so like you! When you don't hear what you want you just leave. Why don't you try standing up for yourself for a change? Have some balls." -- Brian to Justin


"This isn't the birthday suite I'd like to see you in..." -- Brian to Justin


"You want too much. You expect too much. Then when your hero dissapoints you, your poor little heart gets crushed." -- Brian to Justin, Episode 308


"I dont need an excuse to fuck." -- Brian


Michael: What's wrong with here?
Brian: I've had everyone in here.


"It's not lying if they make you lie... if the only truth they can accept is their own." -- Brian


Brian: What are you doing?
Justin: Giving my friend Daphne a tour of your house.
Brian: This isn't the White House. George Washington hasn't slept here.
Justin: He's the only guy who hasn't.


Michael: I read some place...
Brian: Where? Marvel Comics?
Michael: ...that infants respond to things even while still in the womb. For instance, tension and discord affect them adversely, while playing Mozart and stuff like that makes 'em super smart.
Brian: Well how do you think listening to the sound of two dikes go down on each other for the past nine months has affected him. Christ, he'll probably grow up to be straight.
Michael: All the more reason why he needs his dad.


Emmett: Why do I always give my heart away to trash?
Brian: Because you want to see it in the dumpster.


Brian: He stole all my clothes. I'm suspecting gay-on-gay crime here.
Lindsay: It wouldn't surprise me. You've had more visitors than Disney World.


Michael: Have you ever been on a date?
Brian: One. I ended up fucking the waiter.


Michael: I think the artist has taken some liberties.
Brian: It's a perfect likeness.
Michael: Come on, it was never that big.
Brian: Hey, you haven't seen it in a long time.
Michael: I haven't seen "Gone With The Wind" in a long time either, but I know it's still three and half hours long.


Michael: I don't want to be a saint. I want to be a ruthless, heartless shit who fucks whoever he wants without conscience or remorse.
Brian: I'm sorry, that position's already been filled.


Emmett: You're just jealous because we have what you don't.
Brian: Anal warts?


Brian: Don't get yourself all worked up.
Michael: I'm half Italian and half drag queen. I'm allowed to get worked up!


Ted: [on dating a guy who's HIV positive] It's like playing with fire! I mean, what if a condom breaks? Or he's flossing his teeth and his gums bleed?
Brian: Or he shoots off his load and you're bending over to tie your shoe and it accidentally flies up your ass.


Justin: He says I'm all he wants.
Brian: They're still using that one?
Justin: It's more than you've ever said.
Brian: And it's more than I ever will, so... what the fuck are you still doing here?


"That was so profound. Can you hang on while I write it down?" -- Brian to Michael


"A leopard can't change his stripes and neither can a queer." -- Brian


"You know, that's what I'm going to miss the most. Times like these when it's just you and me. But now you have the doc." -- Brian to Michael


Michael: We've always been there for each other.
Brian: You more than me.
Michael: That's not true.
Brian: Yeah, it is. I know I can be shitty to you sometimes. I know that. But it's only because I know that you'll always love me, no matter what.
Michael: I do.
Brian: I do too. Always have, always will. I don't know how I could have made it without you.


Brian: Why do you always have to ruin everything?
Michael: Euin? I'm saving you! Just like Toby Harper saved Captain Astro in issue 231 of Astro Comics, when Captain Astro thought that he lost all of his super powers.
Brian: God, you are so pathetic.
Michael: No. you are! Don't you see that you still have your powers? All of your powers. And you always will. Whether you're 18, or you're 30, or you're 50, or you're 100. You will always be young and you will always be beautiful. You're Brian Kinney, for fuck's sake!


Michael: I need to be strong.
Brian: You are, you are strong.
Michaell: No, iI'm not. My mom was right.
Brian: You're mom doesn't know shit. Listen to me. Listen to me. Listen to me... are you listening?
Michael: I'm listening.
Brian: The night Justin got bashed and I called you... and you were about to get on a plane and you came here and you sat with me for three days, waiting to see if he was gonna live or die.... if it hadn't been for you, I never would have made it. You're strong enough for the both of us. And you're going to be strong for Ben.


"Awww, Melanie the Martyr. Do you want me to set you on fire?" -- Brian


"I don't believe in love, I believe in fucking. It's honest, it's efficient; you get in and out with a maximum of pleasure and a minimum of bullshit." -- Brian to Justin


"If my aunt had balls, she'd be my uncle." -- Brian


"Unless I'm fucking you, it is none of your business." -- Brian


"Well, if he’s buying you an expensive dinner you’re going to have to put out." -- Brian to Michael


"What was your name again?" -- Brian to Justin, Episode 101


"I think you're a selfish, heartless asshole... keep up the good work!" -- Brian to Justin, Episode 211


"But I'm not dying, you selfish old prick. You are." -- Brian to his father


"What kind of dyke are you? You can't even handle a power tool." -- Brian


Brian: "Don't tell me. I was doing hand-stands."
Justin: "And juggling. You're not very good."
-- Episode 101


"Alright, so I'm a shitty father. Are we surprised? I'm upholding a fine family tradition." -- Brian


Brian: He eats with straight people?
Ted: Ick! You never know where their hands have been!


Ted: [after waking up from his coma] I thought... I'm in hell, and this is my punishment. Watching Brian Kinney fucking for all eternity.
Brian: You should be so lucky.


"You're very eloquent when I'm drunk." -- Brian to Michael


"I love you. I'm comatose. Kill me." -- Brian


Brian: I want it to be you.
Michael: What?
Brian: I want it to be you. I'll put it in writing.
Michael: I want it to be you, too. You pull my plug...
Brian: And you pull mine.


Justin: This sucks.
Brian: And not in a positive, life-affirming way.
-- Episode 311


Brian: Call me Dr. Spin.
Justin: You could be Dr. Evil.
-- Episode 311


"Go kiss some hands, shake some babies." -- Brian to Stockwell, Episode 311


Brian: How did you get to be such a clever devil?
Justin: I learned from the master.
-- Episode 311


Vance: You've put me in a very difficult position.
Brian: Yeah, almost as difficult as the one I was in last night.
-- Episode 311


Debbie: Tuna and Macaroni. It was your favourite when you were a kid.
Brian: No, it wasn't.
Debbie: Don't argue with me, you fucking loved it.
-- Episode 311


Debbie: I have never been so fucking proud of you in my life.
Brian: Thanks, Ma.
-- Episode 311


Justin: I could always make my mother's meatloaf, honey, and we can look at photos from when we took the kids to Disney World.
Brian: I have a better idea.
-- Episode 310


Brian: You live with your parents?
Justin: Well I'm still in school. I mean, college.
Brian: What year are you in?
Justin: Junior. Sophomore. Between my junior and sophomore year.
Brian: How old are you?
Justin: 21.
Brian: What year were you born?
Justin: 19...69.
Brian: Bullshit, you had to think to answer that. How old are you really?
Justin: 20...19...18.
Brian: Well, what is this, a missle launch?
Justin: 17.
-- Episode 101


"The Gay and Lesbian center. It's a safe haven for fags who can't get laid." -- Brian, Episode 106


Brian: We all have our ways of celebrating. Some people take it to the streets.
Ted: Other people take it to the sheets.
-- Episode 204


"If you want me, hire me." -- Brian, Episode 204


Brian: Not even a fuckin' piss queen would want to swallow this shit.
Emmett: [trying some of the drink] Mmmm... fruity, refreshing. Like a gentle breeze on a summer day.
-- Episode 204


"Don't worry, some women are attracted to stretch marks." -- Brian, Episode 204


Justin: I saw him, Chris Hobbs.
Brian: Another dream.
Justin: He was at the hospice.
Brian: What the fuck was he doing there?
Justin: There's where they assigned his community service.
Michael: Is that some sort of sick joke?
Brian: Well did he do anything?
Justin: He said I hope I get aids and die.
-- Episode 204


Justin: I told you I didn't want to come here.
Brian: Well you're here, and you're queer so enjoy it.
Justin: It's just a big freak show.
-- Episode 204


Brian: Theodore Schmidt! Fancy running into you here, and all alone. Where's your hot new boyfriend?
Ted: Well, uh..he couldn't make it.
Brian: Oh, I thought he didn't want to be seen with this years Gay Pride pity fuck.
Ted: You bastard! How did you know?
Brian: I know Troy.
Ted: Thanks for warning me.
Brian: Hey, act like a pussy get treated like a pussy.
Ted: I'm not a pussy!
Brian: (imitating Ted) "Happy pride, how's it going?" Alright, I'll do my bid for Pride. My way of giving back to the community. Next time try this, I'm gonna rip your fuckin' clothes off and make you sit on my 9 inch dick.
Ted: But I don't have a 9 inch dick.
Brian: Oh, if you're good. He won't care. Try it. I dare ya.
-- Episode 204


Brian: I'll be glad when Pride's over, so we can all go back to being ashamed.
Justin: You're just grumpy because you had to look after Gus all day, and no one hit on you.
Brian: Plenty of people hit on me. Unfortuneatly they all happened to be lesbians wanting my sperm.
Justin: Here's your chance, you're not too late.
Brian: Where you going?
Justin: I'm leaving you to your wicked ways. Go find a stud, ask him to dance.
Brian: [goes after Justin] Hey, stud. You wanna dance?
Justin: Psh. Shut up.
Brian: I promise you won't forget this one.
-- Episode 204


Justin: What if I meet some horny frat boy?
Brian: Fuck him for me.
-- Episode 208


Brian: Some guys are into prime-aged cock.
Ted:You better hope Justin is.
-- Episode 208


"You have principles when you don't have orgasms." -- Brian


"It's a difficult question to answer given the limitations of the language, the conventionality of most people's thinking. Let's just say he's the guy I fuck more then once." -- Brian referring to Justin


"Ben needs more muscles like I need another cock." -- Brian


Brian: So many men, so little body hair.
Justin: See any you like?
Brian: Him.
Justin: I guess.
Brian: You?
Justin: Him.
Brian: He's kinda young. Let's go for it.
Justin: Or we could go home. Just the two of us.
Brian: What about the game?
Justin: Fuck the game.
-- Episode 208


"What are you girls all giggly about?" -- Brian, Episode 215


"Finally you two boys will have something in common besides me. What a relief not to be the center of everyone's universe." -- Brian, Episode 215


Justin: You're up.
Brian: Look again.
-- Episode 215


"When it comes to measuring wood, I'm an expert." -- Brian, Episode 215


"What kind of dyke are you? You can't even handle a power tool." -- Brian, Episode 215


Ben: Something tells me we've been stood up.
Brian: Over a comic book.
Ben: More than just a comic book. There's nothing more sexual than the act of creation. When I'm writing, when it's pouring out of me. I swear, I'm completely turned on. Sometimes I even get a hard-on.
Brian: Is that what they mean by stroke of genius?
Ben: It's the fucking greatest orgasm there is.
Brian: You have your orgasms between the pages. I'll have mine between the sheets.
Ben: I bet it's the same with Michael and Justin. What they're sharing is the most intense form of intimacy there is. Not even the hotteset fuck in the world. So how about another drink? Our boyfriends are cheating on us.
-- Episode 215


Debbie: Article 14 of the supermom handbook says no kicking assholes when they're down. They'd take away my halo.
Brian: I'm not an asshole. I'm just drawn that way.
Debbie: I'm sorry to disagree with you kiddo. But this time the lightness is accurate.
Brian: I thought you weren't going to beat me up?
Debbie: Let me finish. But I understand, 'cause you're jealous.
Brian: I don't do jealous. Jealous is for lesbians.
Debbie: Then you better start liking pussy. 'Cause you've got a little green-eyed monster inside you that is eating your gut.
Brian: You mean that's not the coffee?
Debbie: I figuered you'd have some smartass remark and deny your feelings, as always. But you don't fool me. 'Cause if you didn't love them as much as you do, you wouldn't give a shit that they're spending time together and sharing something that you're not a part of. What you don't get is that they feel the same way about you. Even more so. They worship the ground you walk on. Or can't you see it? You're their fuckin' hero. At least you were.
-- Episode 215


Justin: How was your day, Justin? It wasn't bad, thanks for asking. How was yours? A whole lot better now that I'm with you.Did you miss me? Every minute you were away. You're all I though about, please never leave me again.
Brian: Who the fuck are you talking to? And what's with the little voice? Are you planning on becoming a ventriloquist?
-- Episode 218


Brian: How many blowjobs can you give in an hour?
Justin: Not enough. Not nearly enough.
-- Episode 401


Brian: It's that time of the month again.
Justin: When your little friend comes to visit?
-- Episode 401


Justin: How do you like the name I picked out for your new agency?
Brian: Kin-net-ic.
Justin: With two N's.
Brian: That's clever.
Justin: It's genius!
-- Episode 401


Justin: I've never seen so many zeroes.
Brian: Except for a mixer at the Gay and Lesbian Center.
-- Episode 401


Justin: I thought we were partners.
Brian: We are.
-- Episode 401


Justin [referring to the amount of times Debbie and Michael talk a day]: Three?
Brian: I know, it explains so much.
-- Episode 401


Justin: Mom?
Jennifer: Hi, honey.
Brian: Hi, honey!
-- Episode 401


Justin: It's more than that. It's where we made love for the first time.
Brian: That wasn't love. I just gave you a rim job and fucked your brains out.
Justin: It was love to me.
[insert a silent Brian grabbing the back of Justin's head and kissing him lovingly]
-- Episode 401


Justin: Now you and half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in your bed tonight, knowing the loft is still yours.
Brian: Half of gay Pittsburgh can sleep soundly in their own bed.
-- Episode 401


Justin: It's not the size that matters.
Brian: Have I taught you nothing?
-- Episode 402


"Pop quiz, no talking. Here's your question. Multiple choice. Do you want to come home with me? A, yes. B, yes. Or C, yes. Tick tick tick! Time's up, pencils down. What do you say?" -- Brian to Justin


"Once you sell your soul to the devil, he holds the copyright." -- Brian, Episode 402


"For once, I'll stick to the bottom." -- Brian, Episode 402


"Of course the good news is once you've hit the bottom, you can't go any lower so... that means there's only one way to go and that way is... sounds liiike [holds up a coffee cup]..." -- Brian to Ted, Episode 402


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